If you think your friend is being abused by their partner, but they haven’t said so themselves, there are still some things you can do.
From Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? (free PDF):
- Tell them that you don’t like the way they are being treated and…
Last semester, I hit a guy who grabbed my butt, after continuous warnings not to touch me in that way and even an explanation of “I have PTSD, I don’t handle random touching, especially random sexual touching well”. His argument was that he was gay so it wasn’t actually sexual. He came up behind me one night when I was walking back from hanging out with people and goosed me. I reacted instinctively, as I was already on edge (walking alone at night does that to me) and punched him in the face. My ring broke the skin and he reported me to campus.
Well, I brought the medical documentation needed, and explained the context, and he admitted he had grabbed me in the past and had been warned. So I’ve gotten off with a warning that it shouldn’t happen again - and he’s been cited for sexual harassment (though he’s still using his sexuality as a defence) and isn’t allowed near me. Which is good.
Rape culture: where a sexual assault victim is given a disciplinary warning for defending herself against someone with a pattern of predatory harassment against her.
Gay men are just as bad as straight men
Queer lady Shakespeare fancasts: Romeo and Juliet;"But passion lends them power, time means, to meet Tempering extremities with extreme sweet."| Natasha Lyonne as Romeo | Lupita Nyong’o as Juliet | Arden Cho as Tybalt | Laverne Cox as Friar Laurence | Kristen Stewart as Benvolio | Samira Wiley as Mercutio | Lucy Liu as The Prince | Samantha Barks as Paris |requested by shakespeareandpunk
Grace Kelly in Rear Window dir. by Alfred Hitchcock; 1954
… “You must have shown me real loyalty down in the Chamber. Nothing but that could’ve called Fawkes to you.” That’s the very first thing Dumbledore thanks and praises Harry for. Not for rescuing Ginny, or saving the school from the basilisk, or for keeping Voldemort from coming back, but for loyalty.
Dumbledore judges the people he works with based first and foremost on how loyal they are to him. Not because he thinks he’s all that, but because, as I said, he views people as game pieces, and you can’t have your game pieces acting up, can you? He values his pieces. He wants to advance and protect them. But he doesn’t want them running off beyond his sphere of influence and doing their own thing. I think there’s something very ambiguous about Dumbledore’s habit of seeking out desperate, socially outcast people and doing them one or two huge favors that leave them bound to him for life. Remus, Hagrid and Snape all fit that pattern, and Trelawney and Firenze appear to join the ranks in OOP. It kind of makes me wonder what Dumbledore has done for Fletcher, Moody and Shacklebolt.
…The problem with Sirius is, he’s not loyal to Dumbledore at all; he’s loyal to Harry. From Dumbledore’s point of view, it’s as if he’s playing wizard chess, and one of the knights suddenly decides that he doesn’t care what happens to the king, he’s just going to take care of that little pawn on the left. So Dumbledore does the only thing he thinks he can do — he sticks his recalcitrant knight into a safe, isolated corner of the board and keeps him from making any moves. Perfectly sensible and strategically sound, as long as you don’t expect your game pieces to have any pesky emotions or psychological issue that need to be taken into account.
…Dumbledore’s actions at Hogwarts are another symptom of his general approach. He doesn’t treat it just as a school, but also as an instrument in his strategy. People like Snape, Hagrid and Trelawny — all lousy teachers, in very different ways — are given their jobs as perks, because of their past of future usefulness to the Order, and because it strengthens their bonds of loyalty to Dumbledore.
OTOH, look at Lupin, who is a talented teacher. Why wasn’t he hired before Harry’s third year, especially given the difficulty of finding qualified DADA professors? My theory is that Dumbledore didn’t consider it necessary. As far as he knew, Lupin was already totally loyal simply because Dumbledore had allowed him to attend Hogwarts. There was no need to bribe him with a job. He was hired only when his familiarity with Sirius became an important factor. Once Sirius proved not to be a threat, Lupin was allowed to resign…
You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, you know.